5oclockeveryday

Yeah, sorry i'm late - been trying to explain the concept of time to my cat

nice business card doofus can i turn it into a frog origami in front of you?

Witches call it sky clad, but I found out it's really called a misdemeanor.

when life hands you lemons, you have been chosen. it is time. there is no turning back now. you are the Lemon Keeper.

So much to say but no words for it,is just my new baseline now.

I’m not saying I’m depressed, but I’m listening to the Smiths as a pick me up.

My friends who live in tents or cars or have 90 roommates are like "which orgs can get aid into which countries right now? I think I have five bucks. I'm trying to learn Farsi so I can see what's going on in this news server" and the lake housers are like "timeline cleanse. What brings you joy?"

The neighbour is playing an Otis Redding record and in another house a baby cries inconsolably. The rain is soft and my seat on the porch is gentle and human

I honestly just choose happiness. That’s it. It’s a drug and I’m addicted to that shit.

Just crossed off the first item on my annual To Do list. It was the 2024 list, but still

I can tell my kids are getting taller because the stains on the walls are getting higher

i know the world may end soon and everything. like for real. but why do baby carrots have to be so wet?

My imagination makes me human and makes me a fool; it gives me all the world and exiles me from it.

Nothing fights for beauty in the ghostly cold quite like the Hellebore

I've invented a new device that combines a microscope with a telescope so you can look at regular stuff normal-style

Immovable object vs. irresistible force situation but they're both my bullshit.

I seldom follow the lead. For only I know where I want to go.

Cooking chicken legs, I’m frying without wings.

I am the single most boring person in the world but I have a rich inner life and sometimes I wear crocheted pants

Where the waves crash against the rocks—that is your altar

Emojis are the hieroglyphs of a society that lost its way.

Hold up...I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme Leader?

What’s wrong, Congress? You’ve barely even touched your checks and balances

she had the grippiest socks in the whole asylum

I just learned my step dad washed dishes in the basement of parliament and stole silverware

🤣

Logging in March 1st and blinking hard. I haven't had anything to say since last year?!

my mouth hangs agape as i watch my wife use her arsenal of tight vocabulary words to weave a rich, complex & devastating tapestry of chores for me to do once i’m done, as she says, farting around.

(staring at you through the dining room window as I shove your tulip bulbs into my cheek pouches then flip you off)

Sardonic without humor is just sauerkraut without the rest of the Reuben.