Snooby

Homer Simpson is responsible for the deaths of Maude Flanders, Frank Grimes, and Dr. Nick Riviera. He should be in prison for the rest of his life

Going viral on both Twitter (14k likes) and on here (84 likes) in the same day has been a wild experience for sure

I don't like referring to Charlie Brown as having or not having hoes. Don't call Peppermint Patty and the redheaded girl hoes. It's inappropriate.

(Not 100% sure what "crux" means or if I'm using it correctly) The crux of my order is I want the bacon on the side on one of the Baconators please. Yes in a separate bag please. In the foil wrapping please yes. That's the crux of it yes. Thank you

As soon as I can figure out the i-frames on my forward dash I'm going straight to the dojo and finally earn Mike-sensei's respect

FEEL BETTER SOON PONYO

Going on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and using my Phone A Friend on the $1,000,000 question to call my dad and say I Dont Know The Answer I Fucked Up I'm So Sorry I'm Gonna Get It Wrong and start crying and blubbering all over the table

C's get degrees baby

(Thinking about anything thats going to happen at any point in the future ever) Oh my god I can't WAIIITTT I CANT WAIT I can't waiiiiiiiitttttt I can't wait!!!!! Oh man I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait I CANT WAIT I CANT WAIT I CANT WAIT OH MAN I can't wait! I can't wait I can't wait I CANT WA

They're coming out with a new phone that shoots goo out of its charging port (technically edible) and they're marketing it as "phone cream"

I can't be found.

*Escapes*

I only have 5 hit points but I make up for it by having very high defense and running away on the first or second turn of combat

Guy waking up with a bunch of sandpaper superglued to his ass and balls: Wha... What the fuck... Where am I...?
Jigsaw Appearing On The TV: Hello Mark. For years you have skipped washing your ass in the shower. For years people have had to smell your poopy smelling ass. Today I offer you redemption.

Why would you want food when you could have NUTZ?!

There was originally a third Wet Bandit in Home Alone and Kevin was supposed to just straight up kill him by pushing him into a vat of acid. They had to take that part out because Macaulay Culkin's contract said No Acid Vats No Exceptions

(About to burn every bridge I have and completely ruin my entire life) About to start making some big moves, stay tuned everybody!

Jamming my hand in a roller press to get my mandatory lifetime suffering quota out of the way

Everyone's got that one friend who must be stopped

pretending to be a branch by pointing my chin towards the sky and closing my eyes

The ingredience of this dish...

You'll get through it. Only outcome there is

(Sweating so much it's coming through my jeans) ...Scarmesan Bamarinara...

20 years ago there was a Scarface video game that had Bam Margera in it. Nowadays you would have to buy the Scarface battle pass! *Tearing hair out stretching out the collar of my shirt* Nowadays you would have to buy the Bam Margera battle pass!

Lunch Brick

I love Matt Johnson's work and think he's one of the funniest smartest people in movies right now, loved Dominic Sessa in The Holdovers, I hope he's got a bright future ahead of him in acting. But you couldn't pay me to give half a shit about a biopic, don't care who it's about

Being dragged screaming out of the hospital for hexing all the newborn babies except for mine, "You have to do yours too or it's not fair" the orderly says as he's pulling my shirt over my head so he can punch me in the gut 30 times

imagine a dog big smiling dog or not a big dog whatever your preference is. now imagine the biggest and sharpest sword of all time

(First day as Shift Manager, hearing the two guys I used to chop it up with for years in the backroom laughing as they're working) You guys really think that's appropriate?

*Dies and discovers the afterlife is exactly like South Park* What? What? *Sees my grandma and grandpa, they're both South Park version of themselves and telling me they don't like it here* What the fuck?? What?? *Never realizes this is what Heaven is, Hell is just normal Hell*