[waving around my wife’s dildo and making lightsaber sounds]
9: What ya doing?
me: umm… playing Star Wars
9: Oh. Mom sounds like Chewie when she plays that
A brown and white dog with a concerned look sits up straight and looks into the camera. On the floor next to them is an animal skin rug with matching coloring to theirs.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
A plastic green army man with what's left of a toy parachute tied to it. It looks a bit beaten up and it laying on pavement.
As Carl lay there thinking about all of the life choices that led him to this point, his biggest regret was trusting that stupid cowboy and his space man friend.
This day in history. 2013. Singer and quick as lightning guitarist Alvin Lee died following heart surgery. An autopsy revealed resting in his chest cavity two souvenir Alvin Lee guitar picks and a Junior Mint.
BREAKING: The United States has threatened to drop their biggest bomb on Iran. B-52s are being loaded with DVDs of the Melania documentary.
(dragged off in handcuffs)
Dateline: surprisingly, neighbours described him as an obnoxious loudmouth who stuck his nose in everyone's business
In a stunning reversal, 63 year old MC Hammer announces that you are now allowed to touch this.
I hate people who act like they're smarter than me just because they went to a fancy college and have a higher IQ and are gooder at thinkings.
Thinking about getting my own popemobile.
oh noooo i misplaced my thesaurus im feeling disoriented, lost, adrift, discombobulated, bewildered, unsettled, perplexe- oh wait there it is nvm
me, opening my junk drawer: *sees 30 year cable charger that i haven’t used in 29 years*
also me: don’t throw it out you might need it
ulterior is one of the most classic things for a motive to be
please accept my sincerest oopsie daises
them: hate is such a strong word
me: and yet still wildly underperforming for how i currently feel about you
I'm always confused by people who block me for limiting replies.
It's like, "So you, too, actually DO believe in users' rights to set boundaries for who interacts with them?"
Realising a family gathering is like the Star Wars canteen.
90% of the anger I have towards my son is caused by being jealous of his footie pajamas
☑️
one time my aunt stopped speaking to me for six months bc i dropped in the chat that chick-fil-a is closed on sundays so their employees can go get their abortions
it’s good she was fired but replacing her with that dude is like exchanging having diarrhea with more diarrhea but ya know that’s showbiz
i am only interested in content destroyers
soon we’ll be receiving spam phone calls from kristi noem telling us our shield of america warranty is about to expire
Who among us doesn't want bolder brows?
Writing a folk song about her gastrointestinal issues isn't the panty dropper you'd think it'd be.
If you’re serious about them, they’re sex tools, not sex toys.
To add a little whimsy to your day why not get a squeaky toy surgically implanted into your buttocks and just marvel at the endless hilarity that ensues every time you sit down?
If a toy says try me, I'll try it.
I bet you didn’t know your favorite toy as a kid says a lot about who you are today
Outdoor fruit stand with huge pyramid of oranges and tall round banana display.
they’re just begging for a car chase
