bart

Harper to the judge: "Your driver's license doesn't list your height and weight at birth. It doesn't list where you used to live. It identifies who you are now."

this isn’t what they said. the refund process is for their own refund. they’re not doing refunds to customers, they might do lower prices.

These are the 4 things AI can do well:

•Clean up your email inbox (badly)
•Give my shittiest neighbor (Alan) something to talk about at a party
•Tell a 12 yr old to kill himself
•Incinerate a school at 10:16 AM on a Tuesday

You can see why we need to base our economy around it

Prices are up 30 cents since this post and the nearby liquor store has taken down its decade-old Trump Wine display this shit is so monumentally over.

why did i think these were teletubbies

Today I Will Look The Burrito Man In The Eye and other stories of manifesting success

I wonder how much with the normies who aren't very online (even the ones in Maine), the depth of the coverage on the story has just been "Platner has what might be considered a Nazi tattoo" followed by "Platner didn't realize what it was and as soon as he did, he had the tattoo removed"

this must be so fun to be a translator for. how do you respond when someone replies "what?"

The United States is soon going to find itself at war with Iran, Cuba, and Alabama

Cooked us

the window for releasing this movie is narrowing rapidly with the onset of Woke 2

An important academic update

Halal Truck Mr. Beast

Eldest boy has taken to sending me messages and emails sporadically that look normal but when opened are just Halal Truck Mr. Beast

Sorry Reuters you’ve already been scooped by No Shit Magazine

Ear doctor: Don’t use Q-Tips
Me already imagining putting a screw driver I found in the driveway in my ear when I get home: I womt

“Slurs filled a chat” is a beaut

That 16 year timeframe is the culprit here. There was a brief window, about 1995 to 2015, when American tech wasn’t primarily a subsidiary of the US military. The original internet boom was an outlier and Silicon Valley has returned to normal now. It was always about killing people.

First time I saw The Apprentice, I thought, "Hopefully someday I will be informed of this man's every bruise or skin condition."

If you took $1 billion and gave it to the endowment of a different small college each day, they could each provide a free college education to several hundred students per year in perpetuity. Instead we are using that money to bomb schools and kill students in Iran, for no clearly stated purpose.

WRAL headline: "Gas prices: Raleigh prices jump by double <line break> digits overnight"

bad place for a line break. i'm here thinking gas had jumped to $6/gallon

not a mention of Adam Baldwin in that whole piece, even found a picture of everybody except for him

can you overdose on filler?

on one hand, I get that this is rude and why people don't like it. but on the other hand, why is this somehow considered much worse than hearing just half of the conversation from the person who's in the same physical space as you

Dundon should have agreed to sell OG Media a 0.0004% share of the Carolina Hurricanes for $1000

Nine Inch Nails should have found a way to release all this music without having to remind me that Tron: Ares is a movie that exists

I really don't think I should have to verify that I am human to look at the Cheesecake Factory menu online. Dogs and robots should be able to look at 57 types of cheesecakes too.

this time, he should try to pick somebody that he's not going to kill first

what are they supposed to do? park across the street where there is an actual open parking spot?

If the Tree Could Speak: The Story of the Cross That Saw It All by Tim Tebow

I can't believe this is real

"he was intoxicated, too" as if that wasn't apparent from the fact that a man in boxers and a cowboy hat was doing the 'fortnite loser dance' in the middle of the road