Grant Tanaka

[opening guitar from Kiss Me starts to play]

understandable, since you are a professional white collar woman from a large metropolitan city who came to this small provincial town and initially hated it but then grew to realize it’s everything you’ve ever wanted

Anyway, have fun in Mykonos

*races to airport
*hurdles through security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*she turns and sees me
*romantic music swells
“I RAN OVER YOUR CAT”

an onlyfans but it’s just me recounting all of my childhood family trips where i cried.

The passage of space is when you knock over a drink, fall out of a chair, catch your pants as your suspenders snap off. Kinda sounds like time broke up with you

(dragged off in handcuffs)

Dateline: surprisingly, neighbours described him as an obnoxious loudmouth who stuck his nose in everyone's business

ATTENTION! my Easter Island head has finally breached the snow. That is all.

I accidentally sent a wink emoji after telling a guy I'm sorry for the loss of his wife. Now I have to sleep with him.

commencing operation bitchin camero

Kegseth was that kid in class who always answered roll call with “present”

To add a little whimsy to your day why not get a squeaky toy surgically implanted into your buttocks and just marvel at the endless hilarity that ensues every time you sit down?

If AI has anxiety, can't we just use conversion therapy?

I love the saying 'crazier than a shit house rat'. I especially love picturing that rascal rodent who has become mayor of the shit house.

sigh detector test determined that was a sigh

Did not really get empty-nester feelings when the kids moved out but the cat moving out may be a different story.

there is nothing more humbling than getting passport photos taken

Keith and I are racing to his place to watch my all-new #Dateline tonight at 9pm eastern called ‘The Professor And The Poet.” Then we’ll play Boggle™️ and go to Tim Horton’s®️ (he lives right above it).

A map of 51A that Lisa Simpson is looking at. There is a red star and text that says "You are here, we are not"

My welcome mat

Dropping my Kickstarter for an exciting new board game where poets and musicians are lost at sea, and pitted against enormous underwater creatures intent on killing them so if you could get behind it that would be great, it's called Bards Against Huge Manatee okay thanks

there should be a “hiding in a nebula” in real life

Fully into the "that's weird, I don't remember doing that" stage of adult life

You tell a rational technology to go to hell and what does it do, the very rational bon voyage that your astronaut heart is afraid of, and coordinates are already go for the funny little space saving smart drill car

I see your light on all night an' you up doing some vampire shit.

Asked a 19-year-old hotel concierge where the post office is in this town. When I got back, the door to my room had witch markings and protection amulets draped all over it.

I just checked to see if hip-hop is hyphenated. Uncool, old white lady badge - unlocked

As if your headache isn't bad enough now there's teeny tiny words on the label of the painkiller that you have to labor to read when you want to know the dosage.

Me reading the news: No thank you

That subskeet wasn't about you, per se.

oh noooo i misplaced my thesaurus im feeling disoriented, lost, adrift, discombobulated, bewildered, unsettled, perplexe- oh wait there it is nvm