Angry Santa Elf

MERRY CHRISTMAS! Alas, last night we lost cell service, WiFi, and half your gifts because Santa got really involved in a Yankee Swap during our ride. But we wish you the happiest of holidays!

If you wake Christmas morning to find your gift clutching a knife and making stabbing motions, do know you didn't get to see ALL the Misfit Toys in "Rudolph"

Santa's now realizing that relying on the "Risk" game board to map out his trip means he thought we only had 42 territories to visit before hiding out in Australia for most of the holiday.

Make sure to be asleep before Santa arrives. Otherwise he’ll ask you if he can still make things work with Angie. Then you’ll ask “Who’s Angie?” Then there go three hours of your life.

Santa's Christmas Eve Schedule

On to Chongqing, China. We just flew by Anti-Santa from Antarctica. His elves get free dental and bonuses and use tools they didn't have to buy from the Santa Store at 40% markup.

We're headed towards Okinawa, Japan according to NORAD, Yakutsk, Russia according to Google, and a fast-approaching mountainside according to our own eyes.

AND SANTA'S CHRISTMAS EVE RIDE BEGINS! Actually, we tried starting a while back, but if you don't square knot that toy sack, wow, a lot of Misfit Toys fall screaming to their icy, watery death.

With only hours to go we're still frantically, blindly making gifts with whatever supplies we have left. So if you get two twigs wrapped with a cable tie, please see it for the Leatherman multitool we thought we were making.

An Evening with Rudolph

Santa has started loading the sleigh—before we could put name tags on the gifts. So if you get something four sizes too big or you’re deathly allergic to, you can return it for your actual gift Dec. 26–30, 1–4 am, in person at the North Pole.

ONE DAY TO XMAS EVE! If you STILL haven't told Santa what you want, leave a bottle of Jack by your tree. Santa's sure to thank you with a gift, even if it's him singing "Mr. Brightside" pantless at 3 am until he starts crying about Angie again. She was always too good for him.

HAPPY FESTIVUS! Today we air our grievances to Santa, which usually lasts until March. Then come the feats of strength which turns into an outright brawl which turns into the Misfit Toys sneaking in punches and shivs until the entire factory is destroyed. Then we have chocolate babka.

For the rest of us

It's a hard job to explain

You ever hear your boss talking and think "What the f*** are they saying? Why am I listening to this sh*t? How the f*** did I get stuck in this job listening to this garbage?" I did and in those three seconds I zoned out 1.6 million Labubu dolls were sent out headless.

“Wonderful Christmastime” is what happens when you only have two minutes to write a Christmas song but then suddenly remember that “ding dong” rhymes with “ding dong.”

Did you know that reindeer have the highest content of fat and protein in their milk than any other land mammal? So trust me, Santa's good with milk. That's why this Christmas Eve leave bourbon and your wifi password out instead.

Just right for the play

THREE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS DAY! TWO DAYS TO CHRISTMAS EVE! One hour before I quit, walk out of this factory, and realize I no longer have company security protection from the polar bears.

Deleted scene from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”

3 DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS EVE, when Santa travels all around the world looking for a place to hide so he doesn’t have to deliver gifts, only to realize there are cameras f***ing everywhere.

To everyone who asked Santa for a pet this Christmas without seriously thinking through the commitment of having a pet, you're getting an orca and a flooded basement.

Happy Winter Solstice! It's the shortest day in terms of daylight hours and not the day itself, meaning we elves still have to work 36 hours a day thanks to a temporal anomaly Santa discovered by feeding us the toxins from Super Elastic Bubble Plastic toys from the 70s.

When Charlie Brown showed up with the wrong Christmas tree they didn't just make fun of him. They ran him out of town. They destroyed him. It's been 60 years, Charlie Brown. Your enemies are long gone. Come back home.

Santa doesn't get upset if you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." He gets upset if you've clearly hidden your good liquor before he arrives.

Hermey the Elf

Almost everyone has seen "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" Christmas special, a few have seen "Rudolph's Shiny New Year" and almost no one has seen "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Labor Day Uprising."

In "A Charlie Brown Christmas" Linus and Charlie Brown leave the house at sunset, walk through town at night, keep walking through the woods at sunrise, and reach the wall later that day. No wonder they started airing those "It's 10 PM. Do you know where your kids are" PSAs.