Give me two days, and I can get you fifty pages. If you give me two weeks, I will make that twenty-five. If you give me a month, I'll implode and make negative words so the court will be sucked in by the sheer gravitas of my audacity.
trying to sell a house in this market is like bass fishing in a pond full of turtles.
I'm so old that I remember when lawyers used to read the cases they cited.
AI replace me as a lawyer? AI can't do THIS: *clicks random rabbit holes because my spidey senses said to*
*streaming bridgerton, writing an appellate brief on easements* "I'm practicing Proper Tea Law."
filing bar complaints on lawyers AI'ing their 2004 professional headshots.
potential client: "i went pro se and used chatgpt"
me, the appellate lawyer: *spontaneously combusts*
"don't mess with me, I'm always packing my .9 mm." *Clicks gel pen furiously*
Oh no, babe, the Epstein files are huge fucking deal. You're just being successfully handled like an oblivious juror in baby attorney's first criminal defense case.
Epstein files reporting really making it clear that 'men's testimony is evidence' but 'women and girls' testimony is an unsupported allegation.'
"Why shouldn't billionaires exist?" One correct answer is always the Epstein files.
I would simply fade into the West if a judge ever wrote, "The Court’s patience is at an end," to me.
It's actually crazy how much the Roberts Court is responsible for all of this.
Qualified immunity and democracy really cannot coexist.
::whispers:: So uh, I started that YouTube channel I’ve been talking about for two years, and the first two vids are live. Come hang with me. The Apiary: A Knitting Podcast - The VERY FIRST episode! New WIPs, some FOs, Introductions
youtu.be/i-jluNVy65A
Roberts Court, 2026 explaining how the ICE officer who killed Renee Good has qualified immunity: "There was no on-point, clear federal law prohibiting the public executions of mothers with gloveboxes full of stuffies . . . ."
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except my stupid glitching keyboard mouse.
And it was Christmas Eve with the tree lights flickering. The house had a new for sale sign out front. The baby slept. And I continued cranking briefs like a character setting herself up for a ghostly visit.
Me, a lawyer talking to another lawyer: "I'm looking for a will--"
"--we do those--"
"--to live."
" . . . No."
me: "i'm the dumbest, worst lawyer ever."
me, reading respondent's brief: "actually . . . second-dumbest, worst ever."
Me, a lawyer to potential clients: "You really want a professional handling this. You never know what weird things will pop up."
Me, looking at anything plumbing and electrical: ". . . How hard could it be?"
*stepping four feet back from the curb as a cement truck turns, whispering* "I'm not neurotic, there was just a very graphic tort hypo in law school that haunts me still."
My ghost will haunt the courthouse halls crooning, "Preserve the error. Object. Exhaust. Preserve the error, you fools."
This is actually about legal research. I uncover a lot of useful case law by just meandering in the databases. It's coded into my DNA. I'm hunting and gathering.
Unfortunately, I do have to fck around to find out. It's my process.
The best and scariest part about a virtual work is that you can't just go down the hall to ask people questions.
DOJ lawyers texting Grok like: "Is a judge saying 'you are an officer of the court' repeatedly a good thing?"
Me, with the rage of 10,000 screaming toddlers, typing: "Friendly reminder."
Who needs Disney Plus when you have a million free CLE's on YouTube. The avengers had a better chance of beating Thanos than winning a post conviction appeal.
Civ Pro should teach how important the Notice of Appeal is. Please.
