Fizaa Dosani

90% of hateful comments start with “your” when they mean “you’re”

On Monday, Congress will be discussing the illegal US airstrikes against Iran. They'd meet sooner but I guess they have plans this weekend.

Whenever a billionaire talks about affordability, an angel loses their living wage

The secret to affordability is simple: be born into wealth, become president, use taxpayer money and the federal government to enrich yourself, become a billionaire

Alysa Liu, Sakamoto Kaori, and Nakai Ami posing in the shape of a heart

Get in losers we’ve opened a portal into a better timeline

If I ever get pulled over, I’m just gonna be like but officer the Dow is over 50,000

“If any man’s name was redacted that should not have been, we will of course un-redact it.” - Pam Bondi about an honest mistake they made 100,000 times

Epstein’s friend, the president, complaining about Bad Bunny singing in Spanish instead of Kid Rock lip-syncing in English proves which halftime show he was watching

Someone threatened to send ice to my comedy show and I was like they’re gonna have to buy two drinks

He released 100% of the poopstain files in his pants

“I DoN’T KnOw WhAt tO BeLiEvE aNyMoRe”
Start with evidence

Calling the Epstein files a fraud when they’re uploaded to .gov websites during your own dictatorship is a level of cognitive dissonance that should be studied

Maybe the Epstain files will be released after the next Mandela effect

Ice ads: “do you want to defend your culture?” The culture: going into generational debt to buy a pickup

Kristi Noem said that ICE is focusing on individuals who are sexual predators and involved in child exploitation, presumably to hire them

Let’s celebrate the new year by doing unspeakable damage to our livers then making a resolution to floss everyday

I’m envious of all the New Yorkers who get to vote for Mamdani, but I’m in California so at least I get to vote YES on 50

So like is there a plan for when he doesn’t leave office

haunted house but it’s an apartment because no one can afford a house in LA

Kings suck, how is it fair to have a piece that can move forwards and backwards and sleep with your wife on your wedding night

Why do airlines charge extra for the exit row seats? If we’re willing and able to assist in the event of an emergency, maybe they should be paying us

Court is weird, they ask you to say “nothing but the truth” but then insist you call the judges “your honor”

Anyway, I voted YES ON 50

Potential AI prompts used by the GOP for their smear campaign against prop 50:

“make it sound woke”

“like it’s coming from a lib”

“now make everyone in it a minority”

Apparently there’s an asterisk after liberty and justice for all*

We’re living in the dinosaurs post-apocalypse, the dolphins pre-apocalypse, and the humans current apocalypse

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.
Distract the Israeli naval blockade and feed him for at least a couple days

Republicans think their base is dumb enough not to realize that they’re cutting Medicaid to give themselves and their rich friends tax cuts, and they’re right

Just a matter of time before trump wants to change the national language from English to American

I am genuinely thrilled to learn that a Puerto Rican can legally run for president of the United States