Hamburglar: I don’t care what they say. I want to go on a Royal Caribbean cruise.
Birdie: They don’t know what happens when we go on the sea. They’re just being safe.
Grimace: I wish I could see the ocean. But I understand.
Mayor McCheese: Do you guys think of me as a real mayor
Telling my MacBook to open a new file: swift, fluid opening animation, a modest flourish that all but says, “Yes, master.”
Telling it to open a file that’s already open somewhere in the background: abrupt, curt waggle, basically calling me a dumbass and a bitch
When you look at the features of any product now it’s like, astonishing cup, no holes for virtually zero liquid spillage, ZERO ASBESTOS CUP 🙅♀️, capable of holding hot, cold, and even lukewarm liquids, NO TASTE OF ITS OWN
StanByMe: If you eat Lemonheads, then you ARE a lemonhead because you must like lemon. CANNIBALISM! 🤣
GeoffRegards: As a former United States Marine, I wouldn’t know anything about this
hmm i never thought of that
Imagine, you only want what you’re due. As many green leaves as yesterday. That’s it. The precise sounds your overlords communicate with elude your anatomy, leaving you only to flail and stomp. See me!
A final indignity: a record of your ordeal which they have called
Bunny Throws Cutest Tantrum 🥕
Fashion sketch type woman looking away and raising a champagne glass, looking at a stylized Eiffel Tower. Text: At toast to the haters… a piece of toast. (and it’s burned toast)
Awesome alien is saying, no… I will not learn a new way of eating pistachios. (the way I open them is fine to do)
His apprentice was ready to go home to his amazing wife. But the fisherman wanted to beat the record set by the previous day and refused to turn the boat around. The choppy ocean kicked the boat around like a can as the cold rain whipped the men’s faces like so many branches pulled back on a hike. As the fisherman was about to pull up his last netful, the waves finally tossed him over the edge of the boat. His apprentice caught him, but even hands sticky with fish guts could not overcome the force of the gale! The apprentice felt the master’s fingers slip through his grasp. The fisherman said to himself, “I don’t want to die. I haven't caught enough fish at all.” But he knew this was the end. Moments later, he opened his eyes. “I lived!,” he said. But his voice was caught in a net of needly teeth. Surrounded by darkness, a light bobbed just in front of his face, no matter where he turned. Here at the bottom of the sea, there were lots more fish to catch. Full transcript at link!
Something Scarier
grassyvalley.thecomi...
to me this emoji 😪 means “ahew”
okay but you were spittin with that top one
His apprentice was ready to go home to his amazing wife. But the fisherman wanted to beat the record set by the previous day and refused to turn the boat around. The choppy ocean kicked the boat around like a can as the cold rain whipped the men’s faces like so many branches pulled back on a hike. As the fisherman was about to pull up his last netful, the waves finally tossed him over the edge of the boat. His apprentice caught him, but even hands sticky with fish guts could not overcome the force of the gale! The apprentice felt the master’s fingers slip through his grasp. The fisherman said to himself, “I don’t want to die. I haven't caught enough fish at all.” But he knew this was the end. Moments later, he opened his eyes. “I lived!,” he said. But his voice was caught in a net of needly teeth. Surrounded by darkness, a light bobbed just in front of his face, no matter where he turned. Here at the bottom of the sea, there were lots more fish to catch. Full transcript at link!
Something Scarier
grassyvalley.thecomi...
The best minds of my generation, plagued by sinister apple dreams
O Lord God, up in the sky, I have a prayer for a special guy, With a beautiful voice and handsome looks, My prayer, of course, is for Garth Brooks! He's got it all, both brawn and brains, He even rocks when he's Chris Gaines, With an awesome opener, like Kane Brown, Please bring Garth Brooks to my town!! Amen. The image is like a folksy cute angel figurine and two competing watermarks say FaceBrooks and Prayer Ideas. (another prayer idea? sweet treats!)
Exchange between two toilet paper brands, Terrace and Watterber. TP Terry: WHAT'S on your BUTT??? 🍑 Watterber: We love Terrace brand, Terry, but nothing beats the softness of Watterber Select! TP Terry: What's that??? 👂🏼 Sounds like Watterber wants a BUTT OFF!!! Watterber: We want nothing of the sort! Only having a bit of fun, Terry! TP Terry: Extra! Extra! 📰 Watterber bitches out of butt off with Terrace mascot TP Terry!! CEO seen crying snot bubble style! 🫧 Watterber: Man to man, I must ask that you stop this at once (both subsidiaries of Unilever)
🧻🚽
A yellow bunny has a dream about an olive-colored bunny and wonders if he had a dream about her too. But he’s dreaming of apple man.
Logging Dreams 🪵
grassyvalley.thecomi...
buying skincare for my fiancé: i am rocking a baby in my arms. i will never speak to you of harsh things. you will never know about itchy sweaters or graveyards.
buying skincare for myself: i am trading shots with another elite sniper. i want you so dead they’ll have another funeral for you in hell
I love when a marketing team gets out over their skis, and suddenly a brand of cold medicine or something thinks they can own the concept of kindness.
“You could say it’s what connects us. What drives us. What separates us.”
And it’s a guy holding the door open for someone and then buying NyQuil
Presentation slide with a menacing/cute cartoon monster. Text: The Monster of No Apples. • The monster of no apples grows when you don't have apples. • He has the unsophisticated passions of someone with no apples. Internal use only. (and he used to be an apple)
lmao
Presentation slide with a menacing/cute cartoon monster. Text: The Monster of No Apples. • The monster of no apples grows when you don't have apples. • He has the unsophisticated passions of someone with no apples. Internal use only. (and he used to be an apple)
centerpieces should be called things like shibari banana landline tbh
Meet the “Chopped” Avunculoid Who Made Doctors Hoot
men who hate women marry them all the time are you 3 seconds old
I was and still am a hugely cautious weenie, but once as a tween, I did let my friend tow me behind her ATV in the rock-riddled snow while I rode on one of those disk-shaped sleds.
Also, having a bigger edible than I’ve ever had, before sitting down to watch Dune by myself
Beef: Basically uh what I’m tellin you Ray is you can’t just buy this guy an obscure Soviet gun or something Lin Manuel Miranda related such as you are used to
Ray: Beef, you know I’ll get him snowed with my personalized song! Just need some more connective tissue between Chotiner and “lot in her.”
i hope no one saw anyone… weird
Posts with 156,000 likes on LinkedIn:
Courtney “Male Courtney” Bordeaux: Hold your money in front of the mirror. Now your brain sees two times the money, plus one time your handsomeness 💋
If God knows about human creations that bring us joy, would it not stand to reason that he’s filled Heaven with them? In Heaven, Iron Man is real.
And if Heaven exists, who’s to say these creations wouldn’t feel compelled to reach across the veil? The spirit of Iron Man helps me at my desk job.
all in a… weird day’s work 💋
