Sasshole

Sheri was finally living her dream.

He’s very handsome

it was the worst of times, its was the wow somehow it keeps getting worse of times

Therapist: You’re pretty good at avoiding reality.

Me: *blushing* Oh my god, thanks for calling me pretty!

I’m definitely the best yodeler, and also the most hated person, in this elevator right now.

*me looking at a police lineup*

Ooh number three is cute! Is he single? What? Oh yeah, sorry. Number five. Number five killed my grandpa.

(On a date)

Him: So tell me about yourself.

Me: Well, I’m kind of a homebody. I like naps, snacks, and just kind of taking it easy.

Him: Haha okay, so are you secretly a cat?

Me: (slowly starts pushing him off of his chair)

Therapist: You’re pretty good at avoiding reality.

Me: *blushing* Oh my god, thanks for calling me pretty!

(On a date)

Him: So tell me about yourself.

Me: Well, I’m kind of a homebody. I like naps, snacks, and just kind of taking it easy.

Him: Haha okay, so are you secretly a cat?

Me: (slowly starts pushing him off of his chair)

Hahaha eww

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my ability to not pee myself a little bit every time I sneeze the most.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to step aside so I can compliment the woman behind him because she is a goddess and women should always support one another.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to step aside so I can compliment the woman behind him because she is a goddess and women should always support one another.

I apologize for all the times you shared a horrific but somewhat amusing family story and I immediately shared one back making it seem like I was competing with you, but it’s truly just my neurodivergent way of commiserating and also my family is absolutely absurd and I will always win that game.

The only cool part about having chronic depression is that I take the most amazing naps.

Yes because I googled it!

It’s okay if you didn’t go to college, but stop saying you went to “the school of hard knocks” like you clawed your way up from the depths of hell when all you really did was work at RadioShack for 15 years until they closed and now you manage the bedding department at your local JCPenney’s.

*Cookie Monster clicking "accept all cookies" so hard he breaks another mouse*

Waitress: Would you like to hear the specials?

Customer: Sure.

Waitress: 🎶Stop your messing around. Ah ah ah. Better think of your future. Ah ah ah. Time to straighten right out....🎶

*sends Get Better Soon card to Trump, not because I care about his well being, but because I wish he were a better person*

I always say thank you to Siri because I have manners and also when the machines take over I want them to remember how polite I was to them.

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Sometimes I make it through a whole cake before crying about the state of our country.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me: Sometimes it’s pie.

It’s the smart thing to do!

I always say thank you to Siri because I have manners and also when the machines take over I want them to remember how polite I was to them.

Never start dating a man in the winter because you might happily roll into summer just to suddenly find out he wears jean shorts. That’s free advice from someone who’s lived it, good luck out there.

Creepy But Kind Of Acceptable Behavior Toward cats, But Not Toward Women: A Guide For Men

-forced snuggling
-kissing them when they’ve said no
-commenting on their body
-saying “you can’t be this cute and expect me to resist you”
-saying “don’t run away, just let me love you”

If you name your newborn Chaz, he immediately starts playing guitar covers of Sublime songs.

My AI girlfriend dumped me for a McDonald’s kiosk