We'll be back with moron Ron Johnson. Oh, I'm sorry--that should read we'll be back with more on Ron Johnson. Sorry about that.
- some damn Norm Macdonald thing

Cut off his hand! Cut off his WANKING hand!

- Go to bed with you? But you're a priest.
- Greek Orthodox, baby.

- I'm like hella smart.
- I believe you. You seem hella smart.

The word of the day is . . .

His strategy is to KICK ASS! Woo!

Just because Kristi Noem is losing her job doesn't mean she has to stop playing dress-up.

Incorrect: 45-47
Correct: 45, 47.

Watch out for Grandma. She's a biter and her teeth are sharp.

Brunchables - finger foods for fancy ladies

Yesterday it was a whole calzone. Now it is half a calzone. In ten minutes it will be nothing.
- Werner Herzog says grace

Donald Trump's pronouns are me, my, mine.

Megyn Kelly is a crazy bitch.

The honor of being promoted from Friend to Housewife. The shame of being demoted from Housewife to Friend.

Wisconsin has two senators. One is a moron, and the other is not Ron Johnson.

I will inherit one million dollars and eat nothing but Girl Scout cookies.

I don't give a fuck about American Girl dolls. #SponsorablePost

I like a brand with sassy social media.

Even Trump can't ruin "Y.M.C.A."

It's hard not to call him Markwayne Mullet.

Kristi Noem's happy face is her sad face is her angry face is her sneezing face is her Corey-I'm-so-hot-for-you-I-can't-stand-it face.

The word of the day is . . .

I'm not a challenge beast and I don't have a good social game but my luxury item is a Gatling gun and that gives me a real edge.
#Survivor

Karoline Leavitt sure says the word "fact" a lot.

I'm Senf. I'll be your porter.
- Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Joke

My farts smell like Oreos.
#SponsorablePost

I positively dare The New Yorker to run a caption contest cartoon featuring a man talking to a priest in a confessional. Because I have the caption that will win that contest.

My ambition is to have some ambition.

"Look at me! I'm a semicolon!" Little shit.

The word of the day is . . .