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hayden johnson

@haydenjohnsonn

okay i’m blushing!

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20.11.2024
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Latest posts by hayden johnson @haydenjohnsonn

sick of people saying polyamorous folks are non committal

you have no idea how may siblings names i have to keep track of

05.03.2026 00:46 👍 12 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

scouting was never about “preparing young men for the military”

scouting is about explaining to a guy who used to be in the military why you remembered to pack your blue green commander deck but not food

03.03.2026 19:42 👍 14 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

if you are trans, you have to live. the world needs your spirit, your art, and when they bury these decrepit monsters clinging to power by lying about who you are we will need your help pissing on their graves.

26.02.2026 17:26 👍 189 🔁 61 💬 1 📌 1

they want you to believe that every trans person is automatically a soulless self hating pervert but that every powerful person on the epstein list was just friends with jeffery for his personality

22.02.2026 18:10 👍 48 🔁 10 💬 1 📌 0

i always struggle when people are like “homosexuality is not a sin!!!”

cause the way i’m doing it? it definitely is

20.02.2026 20:54 👍 22 🔁 6 💬 0 📌 0

sorry trans people but the polling shows that men 18-36 who call their mom the
c-word don’t think you have humanity

unfortunately this does mean we have to throw you into the grand canyon :(

19.02.2026 18:07 👍 68 🔁 19 💬 2 📌 0

you’re allowed to have a genital preference but i do think it’s a bit like being an adult who only orders chicken tenders

like do your thing whatever but you’re gonna miss out on some incredible restaurants

14.02.2026 04:06 👍 28 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

suuuure donald trump is obviously a pedophile, but have you considered that he said “nuh uh no i’m not”

nowhere to go from here unfortunately! looks like we have to let him be the forever president

05.02.2026 02:10 👍 14 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

you’ve heard of Barbenheimer, now get ready for The Bone Melania

29.01.2026 20:22 👍 10 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

queer eye would’ve been a much better show if it was just five new gay guys every episode

not even helpful ones they’re just like eating the stuff in your fridge and telling you to quit your job

23.01.2026 06:50 👍 18 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0

you knowwww the outfits good when the uber driver asks you if you know jesus

18.01.2026 09:56 👍 17 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

everyone’s like “you should get diagnosed! you should get diagnosed!” and it’s like okay what ever happened to letting a woman be eccentric

09.01.2026 06:32 👍 27 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0

one thing about gay guys is they’re gonna push the hell outta you

20.12.2025 08:25 👍 3 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

weird how whenever i don’t go outside during the daytime i start thinking that everyone i’ve ever met wants me dead

13.12.2025 03:43 👍 13 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

before i eat anywhere i check to make sure the chef has gauges

01.12.2025 19:16 👍 18 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0

i love getting randomly added to an acquaintances close friends

like yesss diva your mom IS a huge bitch and yeah i do wanna hear 30 seconds of a song that reminds you of your ex

25.11.2025 05:02 👍 23 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0

it sucks that because of AI you can’t even believe pet videos anymore

it used to mean something when a dog used a jet ski to save a boy from a shark attack

24.11.2025 22:02 👍 151 🔁 25 💬 3 📌 1

it’s hard being atheist with a catholic brain

like i don’t believe in god but i do believe getting on my knees for a man can fix my problems

23.11.2025 20:23 👍 56 🔁 8 💬 2 📌 1

every year it’s always “imagine how you would feel if you were the turkey!”

as if i haven’t been laid out on a table completely naked oiled up and spreading open my delicious hole for 12 people

23.11.2025 05:49 👍 149 🔁 21 💬 8 📌 1

it’s time to play why isn’t cousin in the family photo

i’ve narrowed it down to jail, military,
or gay

21.11.2025 20:27 👍 11 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0

they are doing a ginger party at the abbey and i just wanna say that i think it’s fucked up to rob people just because they have red hair

18.11.2025 02:53 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0

The AI chatbot Jesus is just like regular Jesus but instead of turning water into wine he turns water into water that if you drink it you die

17.11.2025 18:48 👍 16 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

everytime there’s a new reason to boycott starbucks i’m surprised how many people are resistant

they’re like noooo not my piss from the toilet! it’s fall! i need my big cup of pumpkin piss! i love paying $8 for my grande oatmilk piss with 3 shots of piss and extra piss foam!

15.11.2025 21:28 👍 27 🔁 4 💬 0 📌 1

of course these AI developers think they’ll be able to mimic people’s personalities

their personality could be mimicked by a fucking doormat

14.11.2025 23:25 👍 20 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 0

i don’t know i guess i just feel like it’s really really easy to not be friends with the number one pedophile

13.11.2025 17:21 👍 33 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0
Preview
First Thirst Live with Siri Dahl — The Elysian Siri Dahl interviews comedians, performers and fellow industry friends about their first pop culture crushes! This month's guests will be Little Puck, Hayden Johnson and Big Tim Murphy! Buy Ti...

Heyo! I am producing this event in December and I'd love to see you there! @siridahl.com's First Thirst LIVE at the Elysian Theater on December 8th! @littlepuck.bsky.social will be there discussing her first pop culture crushes, as will @haydenjohnsonn.bsky.social and Big Tim Murphy!

12.11.2025 20:03 👍 40 🔁 7 💬 1 📌 0

it’s a real problem that the only people using gender neutral restrooms are transgender or about to take the craziest shit of their entire life

09.11.2025 21:56 👍 23 🔁 1 💬 1 📌 1

i love when a guy is like “socialism sounds nice but the math doesn’t add up”

it’s like brother you use chatgpt to make your grocery list you don’t even do kid math

06.11.2025 22:41 👍 49 🔁 6 💬 1 📌 0

you know they’ve got nancy pelosi up late right now trying to teach her tiktok dances

05.11.2025 04:52 👍 15 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0

Shocked to hear about Dick Cheney’s passing, my condolences to his wife Pussy

04.11.2025 17:10 👍 53 🔁 10 💬 0 📌 0