Canadian Bacon

Some of my best work is still pretty terrible.

I'm in touch with my inner child just means I do a lot of dumb shit for my age

So much progress, and still no bills that pay themselves

-What kind of cheese is this? It sure stinks..
-Be careful how you talk about my friends!

I hope that someday those Kraft singles find love.

The gap in my resume is from being released into the wild.

there are hot people and there are smart people, and then there's me and i eat a lot of bacon

Have you ever noticed that some people are funnier when you drink and more lovable after they leave.

Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

I think we need more research on this topic. I volunteer as tribute 🙋🏻‍♀️

I don’t think it’s fair that we can’t be skinny and healthy by eating bacon every day

If you're happy and you know it, ew

Ew, no.

*motions to everything*

😂😂 excellent

After a long day, I just want to slip into a warm pair of garlic bread slippers.

I want to see the charcuterie board before I get into the van.

Still waiting on a motherfucker to tell me how to get to Sesame Street.

Triscuits + cheese = dinner

could be a nothing burger...but it could also be an everything bagel

We don’t agree on much, but I think we can all agree with the way Johnny Cash sang ooooooo in Ring of Fire

I want to stay home and talk to my dog about squirrels

I bet if I changed my pfp, I could hang out here incognito for a week

please accept my sincerest oopsie daises

You come into my house and expect me to be wearing pants?! The nerve.

Why do we even pay taxes anymore??

It’s terrifying

I mean…ya

fart on his pillow to show you care