low res pigeon

tldr don't go through your google photos recreationally

but seeing all the endings of my different eras is so sad. seeing myself post stroke is so sad because she didn't know we'd get here. i've been anxious the whole time but what am i gonna do, yknow?

there are pictures of my cats in there and i'm not ready to see the last picture i ever took of Timmo before he died. i'm seeing pictures of Cassidy and Alysa. i even saw my ex in there which was more horrifying than sad. we hate him

brown haired me, the debut of the blue, post-stroke me, it's made me really sad for myself because i wish i could go back and talk to those versions of myself. but i can't

i've been going through my google photos for the last few days, and i've covered up to mid-2023 now. all the eras of myself that i saw were enough to give me whiplash

ok i did a little bit

mr krabs exhaustedly ringing a cowbell

still haven't slept and atp idk if i even will

it's 4:43 am and i haven't slept at all, i feel like my skin doesn't belong on my body and i have nowhere to put my anxiety but here i guess.

so that's my ramble for today i guess, tldr i'm really anxious and can't do anything about it. i also embarrassingly really think a vape would help me feel better, which it probably wouldn't.

i promised Oli i was quitting so i'm not even asking if he cares if i get one here. i'd rather be up all night worrying than do that because i'm not a promise breaker.

it sucks that they're bad for you because i never felt like i Needed one. until now.

which doesn't matter but at the same time what am i supposed to do about anything?

i'm broke abroad, i'm hearing about how bad things still are back home, i'm in a constant state of alert, and wouldn't you know it, i still can't sleep properly.

if he wanted to. he sent me some and it hasn't alleviated the skin crawlingly strong anxiety i feel right now.

though it doesn't help that half of my thoughts are about how i need a vape. because i used to use one the most when i was stressed out. i haven't had nicotine in like a week and a half

so not only am i abroad and not working, i'm also not getting paid at all whatsoever. my bills are automatic and do Not care whether i have other money coming in.

it came to a point where i had to text my dad and ask for money. which i hate doing. i don't feel bad asking, but he could change that

went to bed two hours ago and haven't even been able to sleep, my bank account hit the lowest it has in months, and instead of sleeping i'm just up being anxious about it.

my manager hasn't put my paid time off in for the second time since i got here, despite me asking her to several times.

WE HEREEEEE

and now we wait

also we saw an $18 sandwich. literally what the scallop

i HATE trains, but we're at the airport now. went through security and TSA and finally. i'm taking a got damn seat

at the next train station i had SO much fun feeding the pigeons, and right as i was getting done a worker told me to stop? fucking rude

i was overwhelmed and incredibly pissed off but we had pizza

got to the first train station quite stressed, and had to buy a $30 charging adapter because i didn't BRING MINE?! so i hated that

on the train to the city rn!! my mom and my little brother saw us off, mom cried ☹️ i hope she's ok. she also took a pic of me, Oli, and my little brother and we look like his parents 😭 also i have to pee

LETSGOOOOOOO

IM GOING TO ENGLAND LOL

leaving home in 12 hours!!! having packing anxiety and the striking fear that i'll forget something

ENGLAND THREAD‼️

WILL UPDATE AS THE DAY GOES AWN

just occurred to me that oli's gonna see this and ask about it, it was a trauma dream babe i don't really wanna talk abt it ahah!

i had a horrendous dream and i literally feel disgusting rn

the people gotta know

normally i'd save a crash out for an alt but not about what's happening to us. dystopian, handmaid's tale sounding ass crash outs are for the main