Space Moddity (they/them)

Called my extension at work to see what would happen and now I'm terrified because I answered

interviewer: tell us about yourself
me: can’t, i’m an unreliable narrator

*breaking up with Thom Yorke*

I don't care what's in your head. I just don't think your RadioHEART is in this.

In the future, regular currency will be replaced a special kind of digital currency, where every time you spend it, an angry gnome with needlelike teeth appears and chews on your face. It's called BiteCoin. And the finance bros love it.

Ooo! This one is good! I mean, eeeevvvviiiilll 😈

𝘙𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘺’𝘴 𝘉𝘢𝘣𝘺 is my favorite film about deviled eggs.

Autism is a Spectrum

[shows you this cool rock I found]

restaurant manager: hey so, sorry to bother you, but is that a service animal? it's just, we have a policy-

jabba the hutt: je wonna wonga, bazda wahota shonga

salacious b crumb: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

restaurant manager: ah. ok. cool

Hear me out: a cake you jump into.

I actually this that might be something I need 🤔

pls join me for my 8hr live twitch stream where i will stare at a wall and sigh

I CANNOT JUST KEEP HIKING UP MY PANTS WHEN THINGS GO WRONG. IF I HIKE UP MY PANTS ANY FURTHER, I WILL BE DROWNING IN PANT.

Oops! All Balls

[at a spider wedding]

congratulations to the newlywebs

I'm afraid we're going to be letting you go. HR will be in touch about next steps.

thinking of coming up with a right-wing grift for some additional income. tactical toilet paper or pencils that aren’t woke, something lazy like that

Bonzo and Zorp would make for a hilarious sitcom, if we didn't have to, like, hold down jobs and eat and stuff

How my brain organizes my office space:

ADHD: Leave that there! And, that? Throw it on the pile! Oh, hey! I forgot that existed! Where's my WACOM pen? What day is it? Oh, my car keys!

Autism: [absolutely furious this single sheet of paper is slightly unaligned with the edge of my desk]

Does a slug look at a snail and say to themselves “one day I too will be a homeowner”

not now babe i’m filling the bathtub with wrasslin’ jello

100% if Johnny Cash released "Man In Black" or Loretta Lynn released "The Pill" today they'd be chased out of Nashville with pitchforks for being libtards

Oh man! I totally forgot about that one song about things my daddy taught me about checkin' for ticks in a small town

I'm generally a fan of all kinds of music, but I just can't get on board with modern country

Every song is basically some guy with an over-exaggerated twang, singing a slight variation of the same refrain: truck, truck, truck, girl, boots, my dog, ice cold beer, I hate woke, truck, truck, beer

cop: know why I pulled you over?

me: *sliding off of elephant* zoo wants its elephant back?

cop: *nodding* the zoo wants its elephant back

badly tangled up in a big harp. worried nobody's going to come into this room and find me for a long time. how often do people play big harps. doesn't seem like very often. what if they find me and i'm just bones on the floor. would look like i got smashed to bits by a harp. kind of a neat outcome

At my latest colonoscopy they discovered the wizard roleplaying miniature I lost when I was 12

Guys

Turns out

The magic was inside me all along

In the story of Humpty Dumpty it is never said that he is an egg. However, it is never said that he is NOT an egg. This means that any character in ANY story could be an egg unless explicitly stated otherwise. Keep that in mind when you read a Jack Reacher novel

GOD: Noah, I said build an "ark." What the heck is this?

NOAH: An arc reactor.

GOD: But...

NOAH: I AM IRON MAN