Jack Boot

Slam Dancing To The Oldies!

Would it be neato if I eat some Fritos and wear a Speedo under my tuxedo?

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a coonskin hat.

Vintage comicbook panel showing a disembodied woman's head. She has short, stylish, blue-black hair, black lipstick, and red pendant earrings. She's looking fierce as she says: "This means war! I'm ready to play my last card - glamour!"

Paris Fashion Week 2026

There should be a song about that.

Alright, you kids have a nice time raging against the machine. Take a jacket.

ME: okay, how about this: a drama involving a pair of male sheep. we'll call it Bleated Rivalry

BOSS: just finish clearing out your desk

I’ve been operating under a critical whimsy deficit for a decade now.

Nature abhors a vacuum, which explains why my dog’s name is Nature.

I learned two things last night:

I shouldn’t drink while watching the news.

And I shouldn’t watch the news.

DHS nominee Markwayne Mullin is one of the most active stock-traders in the Senate — and violated the STOCK Act against insider trading as recently as last August.

He currently holds stock in L3Harris, which has millions in contracts with ICE and FEMA.

The grift continues.

I'm just trying to bank John's good opinion of me so I can draw on it when he catches me stealing "thinkings".

You guys are rocking that. :)

"Thinkings" puts it over the top.

If that goes poorly, use the little you can raise to buy a metal file and a loaf of banana bread. You know what to do.

Your math checks out.

Not at all. I smell like butterscotch and Aspercreme. But, yes, I do look like a monkey.

I don’t have a one-track mind. I have an eight-track mind.

It gets tangled easily, fades out in the middle of a thought, and is quickly wearing out.

I love how in England you can say “cunt” to anyone - a kid, the king, the chancellor of the exchequer - but heaven forbid if you use the wrong fork.

My dog sometimes says the word "woof" in a regular human voice. He only does this when there's nobody else around. He knows no-one will believe me.

Magic mushrooms my ass. I ate some and nothing magical happened for the entire 2,000 years I spent living on a rainbow and herding unicorns.

Tongues are wagging regarding Excitations (of Good Vibrations fame) being spotted canoodling in a tony NYC nightspot with the apocryphal Pompatus of Love. What say you, lovebirds? Watch this space.

Thanks to onerous plagiarism laws, (what I assume would be) my breakout single “Jebediah Was a Bullfinch” will never see the light of day.

“One if by land, two if by sea” is a handy mnemonic for remembering that driving is, more often than not, cheaper than chartering a boat.

Colorful posters entreating you to ‘set a course for adventure’ usually involve summer reading programs at the library. Children know when they’re being played.

Last but not least — okay, least. It needed to be said, Brad.

In France a Peeping Tom is called a Jean Luc Peek Hard

Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men

Peter Tork is my favorite Monkee

Knight of the slightly irregular, final sale Ikea table.

Honestly, when I come back as a ghost I’m probably just gonna mess with your audio settings