"While your jaw’s wired shut and healing, nobody makes you talk about your feelings. You can sit in silence with your boys for six to eight weeks. Soon enough, you'll be mewing in your newly minted maw."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/to-...
"For a while now, journalists have been telling everyone the AI boom is about to collapse. Listen, bubbles tend to pop. But if history has demonstrated anything, it’s that tools that make murdering people faster and cheaper rarely struggle to find investors."
“Pretty pomegranate”
What seemed like a great idea turned out to be a lot of fucking work for very little reward. You’re feeling disillusioned. And your hands are sticky.
"Never did I imagine that my [HOLIDAY / EXOTIC FOOD CRAWL / COMPED STAY IN THIS SIX-STAR HOTEL & SPA] would be interrupted by a war whose geopolitical consequences would be so unfathomable, and whose timing would be so inconvenient to me personally."
"America is one of only five industrialized nations that do not guarantee paid leave. This places a disproportionate burden on women, who, as JD Vance has so graciously reminded us, exist only to breed children. That’s why President Trump is giving women paid leave from voting."
Virtual Capitalism
Virtual Communism
Postsimulationism
Neo-Neoliberalism
Neotrumpism
High Nihilism
Polycatastrophism
"Due to changing projections in my quarterly emotional needs model for the fiscal year, I am pivoting our relationship from a domestic partnership to an acquaintanceship. This revolutionary new policy is effective immediately."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/thi...
"I toppled fourteen foreign governments before breakfast and let Hitler copy my homework."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...
I literally get cold emails from realtors about selling my house and I've decided I'm just going to no-context reply with this @mcsweeneys.net piece going forward:
www.mcsweeneys.et/articles/see...
"Wayne’s dying wish was for the company to hire an ambitious self-starter with five to eight years of relevant experience to complete his Maximizing Corporate Happiness at Minimum Cost report before the next fiscal quarter."
"She had taken the dog on as a hunter to help scare pheasants into the air and retrieve them when she sends them bleeding back to earth. But in its fourteen months it had discovered it much preferred bouncing joyously through the tall grass in erratic circles."
Once again, McSweeney's hits the nail on the head. The finest "satire" that cuts a little too close to our national and communal bone.
Chef's kiss.
In this week's newsletter, @jamesfolta.com and I rounded up great writing by Michelle Cohn and Caroline Ulwick in @mcsweeneys.net and Adam Dietz and Ryan Ciecwisz in @pointsincase.com
Plus, info about my upcoming short humor writing workshops.
Check it out & subscribe at the link below!
As someone who has been made to watch this season of Bridgerton, I got a great chuckle out of this.
"While your jaw’s wired shut and healing, nobody makes you talk about your feelings. You can sit in silence with your boys for six to eight weeks. Soon enough, you'll be mewing in your newly minted maw."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/to-...
Devastating insight.
"Due to changing projections in my quarterly emotional needs model for the fiscal year, I am pivoting our relationship from a domestic partnership to an acquaintanceship. This revolutionary new policy is effective immediately."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/thi...
The wise and hilarious Carrie Brownstein doles out sports-themed advice from the latest issue of The Believer.
"As a cisgender, white, bisexual second son of a viscount, and as a gentleman landowner of multiple estates on the unceded ancestral homeland of the Celts and Saxons, I don’t see race."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...
TBF, that Phil Collins course doesn't sound so bad
"When I first planned this trip, I had no idea that war was even on the horizon. I guess that’s what happens when you get your news from [MEMES / GROK / COTTAGECORE TOK / THE CBS SUBSTACK]."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/soc...
"People who were fired are rehired because the person responsible for posting the job didn’t know how/forgot."
"I’ve unpacked my rivalry with Coke. I’ve looked at where it started, how it was reinforced, and why I kept measuring myself against a version of myself I was never meant to be."
"Does your leader view the lives of armed services personnel as disposable by mocking their service or saying things like 'that’s the way it is' whenever they are killed?"
I’m front page McSweeny’s what the FUUUUUUUCK?!?!?!?! millenial teenage me would not believe it. I would not. I was just really, really angry last night and wrote it—is there a muse for unbridled rage? My fiancées dad at BYU mocked his son for loving a pacifist. Well WHO’S LAUGHING NOW Kevin Monson
Trumpism
Antitrumpism
Alt Trumpism
Anarchotrumpism
Orthodox Trumpism
Reform Trumpism
Theocapitalism
Sadocapitalism
Metacapitalism
Radical Ironic Terrorism
"Wayne’s dying wish was for the company to hire an ambitious self-starter with five to eight years of relevant experience to complete his Maximizing Corporate Happiness at Minimum Cost report before the next fiscal quarter."
It’s gratifying when people tell me how brave I am to endure this war with my forward-looking attitude and my [GORILLA MINDSET / SIGMA LOOKSMAXXING APPROACH / TOXIC POSITIVITY].
My latest in @mcsweeneys.net remembers the real victims of this war - the influencers. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/soc...
"Let it be known that while in America, I always stood with the immigrant farmworkers who picked our food. Most recently, I stood in line at Erewhon to buy a nineteen-dollar basket of strawberries that they surely picked. All so I could bring a snack for the plane ride to Lisbon."
"Look, I understand the anxiety. I really do. It’s uncomfortable realizing that the same technology that drafts awkward emails and pretends to be your therapist also shines in the cruelty department and may one day bomb you out of existence."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ai-...
