Groceries

me: I’ll just lie down for 5 minutes
my body: ok we will now enter a mysterious state that is worse than sleep but also not rest

Ope far be it for me to make this post USAclusive for all our normal friends in like every other country, this is 136 degrees Celsius

a mcdonald's ball pit full of meatballs

"Does Pinocchio have a wooden dick?" Is not an appropriate way to answer "yes" to questions. Apparently.

that's what I'm thinking, i expect somewhere between sea bugs & dirty metal, like keys or coins but i don't know for sure if I've ever eaten any of those things

i wanna know what it's like to bite through kabutops or scyther blades

idk, I've always talked like that

*races to airport
*hurdles through security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*she turns and sees me
*romantic music swells
“I RAN OVER YOUR CAT”

that guy in the group that insists on ordering bread sticks with the pizza and then doesn’t eat his crust, that guy is my mortal enemy

maybe not

i like to fantasize about extreme violence because i’m incapable of even advocating for myself in actuality

a magic carpet that can’t fly but can do a really good coin vanish

I thought about getting a job in the government sector, but I don't have any experience in reality television, mixed martial arts, grifting, white nationalism, or being wealthy. I guess I'll have to learn to code.

“Evangelicals are missing from the halls of power. That’s a problem. The lack of evangelical Christians at America’s most prestigious institutions fuels mistrust.” Excerpt From “Opinion | Evangelicals are missing from the halls of power. That’s a problem.” Aaron M. Renn The Washington Post https://apple.news/ATJF-eGWhQMuuXvLnrj0ugQ This material may be protected by copyright.

Congratulations, WaPo, you did it, you published the worst take

i only know most words from context clues and have no idea what they mean, if anything other than sweat is being profuse i just gotta guess

Neopet Sematary

tried to explain how i work to someone else and they were like yeah me too but that was not the case

Package warning label large cracked goblet icon: Fragile, handle with care, don't fall not pressure, small cracked goblet icon, fragile, rain falling on half an umbrella icon, keep dry, the jackboot of fascism grinding the broken stick of justice into the mud icon, don't trample, two arrows pointing up icon, upward

"don't fall not pressure" is the new "you got this"

On behalf of the entirety of America, I just want to say that "we," as a group, are not doing this. It is literally just a handful of people who apparently can do whatever they want.

I like to keep a soul destroying glass rectangle in my hand at all times. you know, for fun

why are taters the only thing we’ve totted

The big orange guy from Fantastic 4?
The hand dude from t'Addam's fam?
The John Carpenter Arctic beast?

Meatloaf would do ANY of them for love

Rotta the Hutt from the trailer for the new Mandalorian and Grogu movie. He is a very buff Hutt and wielding two axes.

Me after drinking a couple extra glasses of water and doing 10 crunches

Proton Mail Helped FBI Unmask Anonymous ‘Stop Cop City’ Protester A court record reviewed by 404 Media shows privacy-focused email provider Proton Mail handed over payment data related to a Stop Cop City email account to the Swiss government, which handed it to the ...

Tech Companies are like:

Respect for your privacy is all we think about every second of every day, it is our religion, it is in our blood, and we will fucking die defending your right to privacy from any company, government, or deity. *

* Unless it becomes slightly inconvenient for us

the eyes are a window which i look out of

well i hope filling up the car today gets me through the next year or two

Might start eating paste again.

oh, there are people worse than me in the world, fantastic, but i'm still horrible huh

I don’t have an anger management “problem.” I am managing it fine. Theres just a lot of it.