Etobicoke Ernie

I make adjusting to daylight savings easy by getting absolutely shitfaced.

Doctor: What’s your blood type?

Me, confidently: Red.

It's Monday all day today, and there's no known way to prevent this.

Probably should've laid off those edibles before I did my own taxes.

A side note however...I'm getting back twelve and a half million dollars.

you can beat around the bush all you want but I don’t have one so it’s kind of a waste of time

putting “I don’t like dark mode” on my dating profile saves me a lot of heartache

I mean, sometimes you wanna see a dick pic. Don’t lie

Where the fuck did the weekend go?

- Me, every Sunday at 5:30pm

pro tip: sometimes just shutting the fuck up is the best course of action

You expect me to eat chia seeds?? The same seeds I use to grow my pets?

This candle smells like toast. Uh, oh…

I’m at the age where I look at old pictures of me to see if that mole always looked like this.

One time I gave my dad porn for Christmas.

The “Scary Movie 6” trailer certainly was scary.

Surprisingly awkward for being this good looking.

*plays the drum solo from in the air tonight perfectly*

I rest my case your honor

I couldn’t figure out how to change the clock on the microwave, so I just threw it away and ordered a new one.

on international women’s day we should be able to kick two men in the balls with no questions asked

kids are all grown up so time to teach the cat to drive i guess

A remake of Taxi Driver called My Fare Lady

Note to self: write note to self.

I've never met a dog that I've wanted to ignore.

sorry I made you fall in love with me
after watching my magic tricks

For a small subscription fee I will tell you if an account gives me the jeebies

some of you have done very little to pump up the jam and it shows

I bet my belly button lint is softer than yours

My only dance move is the sprinkler

Who doesn't enjoy long romantic strolls to the liquor store?

put you on a pedestal so I can look up your skirt(consensually)

I know I'm old now because when someone asks how I'm doing I tell them the truth without mercy